HOW TO GET OVER A BOY
in six simple steps:
i. remind yourself of every time he kissed you
when you were too sad for it. think of how
you tried to explain the hollowness you could hear
inside of your limbs but he just asked if that meant
no more sex. remind yourself of every time you
went dark for no reason but he still couldn’t tell
you were suffering. remind yourself of the times you
swallowed down your darkness just because you didn’t
want to bother him.
ii. write your name out with his last name attached. realize
you would have given up who you are for him. realize it
takes you away from yourself. realize your initials don’t
look right anymore. realize that in the end, you kept who you are.
realize you didn’t give him everything. you don’t have
to start over from nothing. write out your relationship
in red pen. circle the problems. highlight them. write
bad poetry and call your blog something dramatic and enigmatic
like “red blood, black ink,” maybe you’ll find out that what you
have to say people want to read maybe you’ll find better support
for your art than he ever gave maybe you’ll find that
creation makes you happy in some small way. write him
out of your veins.
iii. cry, drink whiskey, cry, eat ice cream. i know your insides
feel ugly, but trust me, dress nicely. wear thigh highs out to get
coffee, wink at truck drivers, get nasty. paint your lips red.
wear your hair out of your face. feel beautiful for
four minutes. at the five minute mark, you can go back home
and lay down until your heart stops hurting. don’t cry, you’ve got
on good makeup. drink milk, your liver is going to thank you.
call your mom. go shopping. pick out a whole new wardrobe
he’s never seen. get something in every colour. i recommend
marshall’s, they have lacy bras for like a dollar. buy eight. drink
vodka. go out and party. show off your g-string. feel
iv. keep your eyes closed when you are trying to sleep. do not reach for him. get a dog or a cat or a lizard if you can’t be alone. find out that animals love with less conditions and more honesty.
count stars. count cars. count raindrops. replay bioshock, go out
and buy it if you don’t have it. replay portal, it’s phenomenal and
you know it. replay the things you said and realize you
really aren’t the one to blame for all of this. replay his last
good voicemail and then erase it. take a deep breath and select every text. delete all of them. do not read them first, you will
feel each word like knives. if you do make the mistake
of reliving what he said, try reading it aloud in a mocking
tone. i find childish mimicry is often quite soothing. when
he posts things on facebook, close your eyes, close the tab,
close the laptop. go for a walk even though it’s too cold. maybe
get a second cat. there’s always room for a second cat.
v. whenever you are sad, wash your hands. my mother says
being clean is the most powerful pick-me-up in the whole
universe. go shower until your fingertips wrinkle up.
get new sheets with a higher thread count than you really need. renovate your apartment, it will make you feel like your insides are shifting around too. renovate you. cut off your hair, dye it, get a tattoo, pierce your ears or septum or where the sun don’t shine. go punk rock for however long you want to be punk rock, realize you’re not quite confrontational enough for a mosh pit but you like their music, go indie, go k-pop, go crazy. why the fuck not. whenever you are sad, find ten new songs. whenever you are sad, text a friend and ask how they’re doing.
whenever you see a couple in public, do
not think of him. think of mopping. wash your insides. be clean,
but totally have sex in a public restroom. whenever you are sad,
paint your nails and then take a shower. watch the colour flake
off, sigh, repaint them. change your outfit. whenever you are
sad, call your mother or your sister or someone else you love.
if you have no one, call my mother, she’s super nice but she’ll
totally make you clean the house until you feel better although to
be honest, it will actually make you feel better.
vi. breathe. breathe. breathe. you’ll get there eventually.